dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
