she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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