A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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