: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
