you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
