If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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