I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
