so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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