There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
