I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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