Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
