Your tits are I can't wait for
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
