I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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