I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize