well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
