we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
