is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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