There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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