I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
