the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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