Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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