if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
