Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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