My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and she was petting her beer can
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize