Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There r osticjed everywhere
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
