I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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