Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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