Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
