Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
