i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
