Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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