You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
