I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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