Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
