i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
zippers are such a cool invention
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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