When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
