He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
