These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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