i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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