and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
