So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
