your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
