I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
