We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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