I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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