I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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