To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
