My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
