I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize