do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
