Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize