My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
