he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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