All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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