Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
