Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
