my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
