I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
