He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He better not be in your backpack
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
