my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
